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It's easy to mistake an Olympic medal as an athletic supporter. Clearly the fan pictured in the photo was confused too and was simply helping you ensure the Bronze cup was positioned correctly. Personally, I wouldn't have used my mouth to do that, but each to their own.
Anyone else see that the Canadians couldn't get one of the pillars of their indoor Olympic cauldron up? Was anyone else hoping NBC would cut to a Viagra commercial at that moment?
Read more...Who came up with the term 'give a shit'? More importantly, why in the hell would you want someone to 'give a shit'? Isn't that a bad thing? Personally, I would hope nobody ever plans to 'give a shit' to me.
Read more..."Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes". Now why the hell are the toes so damn special you have to sing them twice?
Read more...I've tasted the rainbow and it doesn't taste a damn thing like Skittles. Those freaking leprechauns are liars.
Sincerely,
Mr. Sarcasm
Thank you! Your Beer Summit idea was fantastic! Now instead of telling my significant other that I'm heading out to the bars to drink with the guys I can simply tell her I'm going to a beer summit to promote racial peace.
This is yet another reason why I voted for you!
Sincerely,
Samual Adams
I was saddened when I heard of your passing at the mere age of 15. In honor of your memory I've written you a memorial in Haiku.
Yo quiero my friend
You're right. Burritoes are good.
Chihuahua's kick ass.
God speed on your way to the Taco Bell in the sky. Run, run to the border my friend and don't worry. You don't need any stinking badges to get in.
In memorial,
Your fans
I hear that Demi Lovato has the #1 album on iTunes.
Great. Between that and the upcoming eclipse there is no doubt we live in the end times now.
Your oracle,
Nostradamus
Please. Somebody else die so they will quit talking about Michael Jackson.
Your fan,
A person sick of Michael Jackson coverage
A New Direct Message.
Thanks for following me. Now that you have can I interest you in learning how to make money using Twitter. How about visiting my website where you can learn how to make $1500 a week at home? Wait, wait there's more......
By following me you will now learn how to lose 200 pounds in 200 hours. Ok, ok I can see that this is a hard sell. What if I offer you a free book on how to gain 1500 followers a day?
Trust me. I am very interested in following you and will no doubt read EVERY tweet you submit. It's not like I just use Twitter to sell something.
By the way, follow me on Facebook too and learn how you can use Facebook to make money.
Your Twitter Marketer, I mean friend,
SellUSomething122
That's ok. My kids didn't want any candy. After all, I'm sure that's why people hand candy out so that adults like you, who could use a few more minutes on the stairclimber, can get even more calories.
Now that I know that I need to play a little defense so my kids can get a chance next time I'll be sure to bring a chili cheese dog to distract you. After your fat ass chases the chili cheese dog about a couple of blocks there's no doubt that I will be able to get back to the family to enjoy the rest of the parade since you will have passed out by then.
Hey, by the way. Happy 4th! Thanks for the reminder that though our country is full of great Americans there are still dumbasses like you that provide a good contrast.
Yours In Christ,
Pastor Jim Dandy
I understand why you have to quit.
After all, the sitting governor of Alaska can't do Playboy.
Your friend,
Hugh Hefner
Congratulations on going to the Lakers.
They were getting a little short on assholes anyway.
Sincerely,
A Pacers Fan
You're dead I get it. Now stop with the media coverage.
Sincerely,
John Q. Public
Surely, there must have been an easier way to get OxyClean. Though I suppose even God needs his own pitchman.
They say deaths come in threes. You must have wanted the fourth death for free. Billy would have wanted it that way.
Sincerely,
Fans of Billy Mays
P.S. - Billy will be greatly missed. Take good care of him.
It's hot down in Argentina. Not as hot when you're down here, but hot nevertheless.
I miss being with you. I hope you venture down my Appalachian Trail soon.
Miss you,
Your trail guide
Thank the city for me. Those new bullshit detectors are awesome at getting rid of ex-husbands.
Sincerely,
An appreciative consumer of police services
Who do you think you are? Out of all the vehicles you could choose to transform into you transform into a truck and you're not even pulling any cargo? I think it's about time you transform into a nice hybrid SUV.
Don't you know you are a role model for goodness sake? What's the next thing? Will you start going to truck stops and making out with fuel pumps?
Respectfully,
The Campaign for Energy Concious Role Models
How do you expect me to do business with you when you can't even write a proper fraction? You should be called "One and Two-thirds Bank".
Call me crazy, but aren't bankers suppose to be good at accounting?
Sincerely,
A 5th Grade Math Teacher
You really need to explain your system at the beginning a little more clearly. I thought I was doing a good job since I ate more points than anyone else at my weekly meetings. No wonder I kept gaining weight. By the time I learned where I went wrong I was already over 300 pounds.
I think I'm going to try Slim-Fast and see if that works for me. Unfortunately, I'm already up to 10 shakes a day and the damn things aren't helping either.
Respectfully,
The 400 pound man
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You ain't that bad. I just wish I knew what you had in mind about a year ago. So, do me a favor.
Next time fill me in on the game plan. It may help reduce my monthly beer bill and allow me to retain some hair on the top of my head in the future.
Sincerely,
A happy guy
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Oh my grill, you have stuck with me through the good times and bad. Through moves and a divorce you have been there for me, quietly at the ready for me to fire you up to cook whatever I bring to you.
Seeing smoke rise from your strong metal hood nearly brought a tear to my eye this past weekend. Your work definitely brought a smile to those who enjoyed the fruit of your labors.
I've said it once and I'll say it again. You can take my first wife, but you're not taking my Weber grill.
Sincerely,
Weekend Grill Warrior
Sorry it's been awhile since I wrote. I will be sure to write you soon.
Sincerely
(Insert name here later)
You've won yet another title. It's clear your dominance of the game of basketball has yet to be matched during modern times. I think it's time you now take a lesson from your peer and begin to more closely follow in his footsteps.
1. Retire from basketball.
2. Play minor league baseball.
3. When it's clear you suck at baseball return to play basketball.
4. Win more NBA titles.
5. Retire from basketball.
6. Buy interest in a below average NBA team.
7. Return to play basketball for that team.
8. When it's clear the team still sucks retire once more.
9. Disassociate with that team since they suck anyway.
10. Do a bunch of underwear commercials.
Your friend,
Michael Jordan
Ok. Let's clear this up right now so we don't have to continue to go through this. I don't need help marketing my blog and I'm good in the sex department.
Also, you're not fooling anyone by using the same name and simply changing the numbers after it. Furthermore, when I get a follow request by five accounts with the same profile picture it's clear they are bogus accounts. It's one thing to be the fake Brittany Spears or fake Hugh Jackman, but this is reaching a whole other level.
Look, if I wanted fake friends I would go back to high school.
Sincerely,
The Fake Tom Hanks
You don't scare me. Pigs don't scare me in general. Clowns and pirates do, but not pigs. Do you think a flu from you will scare me too?
I know, I know the swine flu doesn't really come from pigs. That's what the right wing swine conservative group wants you to think. Look pigs have already tried taking over the world by slaughtering their own kind to try to slowly kill humans with bacon. They are now just using the swine flu to finish the job.
That's why I am asking my fellow humans to rise up and slowly kill the right wing swine by eating them. After all, it is the cook out season and there's nothing better than pork on a grill.
Sincerely,
John C. Weber
Okay. I can't take it anymore. Why did you have to call that fun video game console the Wii? It's really starting to cause me some problems.
When a friend and I wanted to play a multiplayer game on our video game consoles we told our girlfriends we were going to go play with our Wii's. They told us they weren't into that sort of thing.
I told my girlfriend I was going downstairs to play with my Wii. She told me I would go blind from doing that.
When I told a friend I was going to go buy a new Wii controller he felt obliged to give me the address of a local adult store.
Wii would like to play my ass. I would simpy like to play a video game console without someone questioning my sexuality or inability to find a date.
Sincerely,
The Wii Master
(OMG, even that doesn't sound right)
Hello. I know you have a hard time understanding things so let me use simple words.
You really dumb.
Me no like you.
You suck big time.
You really dumb.
Let me explain this another way.
Not only did you get hit with a dumb stick you were sodomized with it.
Sincerely,
The other person who is not dumb
Why do mobile phones have to start with 910? Don't they know idiots like me could easily dial 911 when calling their mobile phone to find it.
I'm sorry I wasn't in my best boxers when I answered the door. Honestly, I'm glad I wasn't since they would have been stained when I surprised you and you went for your gun. So much for the need to take any fiber supplements that morning.
Though it was only a misunderstanding I appreciate how quickly you came to my home. It was only after you left that I realized how lucky I was. Not by how fast you got there, but by the fact you didn't have a Cops television crew with you. Boy, that would have been embrassing. Green boxers on television are not lucky no matter what they say.
Your friend,
The idiot that accidentally called 911
All I can say is thank you. You have giving my family and I peace after many years of persecution by the media. Time has helped to heal old wounds, but you my friend have made sure that I am indeed forgotten to history.
Keep up the good work. You make walking around with your foot in your mouth look good.
Sincerely,
Dan Quayle
Former Vice-President of the United States
Perhaps we got off to the wrong foot. You see I just assumed that you knew that you were suppose to crap in the litter box. Instead you seem to have decided to use the basement as your own personal bathroom.
You probably get a big kick out of seeing me pick up your "hot pockets" everyday when I get home. I bet you're even calling the other neighborhood cats when I'm not home to let them know how you've become the "man" of the house. Well, I'm putting you on notice.
Since you have found it perfectly acceptable to crap on my basement floor, only a few feet from the litter box, I have decided to show you some of my personal appreciation. I have decided to use your scratching post for bombardier practice as well.
The sooner you quit dropping your brown loaves over my basement floor the sooner I'll stop turning your scratching post into a huge fudge brownie.
Sincerely,
Ex-Pooper Scooper
Look I know I said we had an agreement and everything, but I was wondering if you could just let our little agreement about the mortgage be tossed. I know you think you are looking at a big loss here, but there is good news. Perhaps my mortgage is the final straw before the government will give you bail out money.
Hey, I pay taxes. Bail out money comes from taxes. That being said, you getting the bail out money is just like me paying off my mortgage. It's simply happening in a much easier method for me. You get the same money in the end. The way I look at it, it's a win-win situation. No need to thank me.
Sincerely,
Account Holder #98769876
Owner of the 30 Year Mortgage (To be paid off in 10 thanks to the gov't)
Man you're good. Seeing you in the morning is like having a hug from your mom before going to school. If donuts had a luxury model it would be the Krispy Kreme. Of course, I'm talking about those only when the hot light is on. If you're getting a Krispy Kreme donut from a gas station or the grocery store it's like getting a used BMW that's over five years old. Oh sure, it's still a BMW, but it's not the same.
You know what goes good with a donut. Coffee. Coffee and you should get married. Maybe not a big wedding, but perhaps a small one on the beach somewhere.
People try to tell me that you're bad for me. I tell them if loving you is wrong then I don't want a cholesterol level below 300.
Thanks,
A reformed member of Weight Watchers
Please put the McRib on your menu permenantly. My mother says it is food of the devil since you've been able to take the bones out without even disturbing the meat. She says it's black magic. I say if it's wrong send me to BBQ hell.
Let the petition for the McRib begin.
Sincerely,
PETA (People for Eating Tasty Animals)
All fathers who have experienced the adventure of divorce know that it can flat out suck playing the part-time dad role when you were so use to it being a full time job. In hopes of spinning my new role in a positive light I have come up with 10 reasons that it's good to be a part-time dad.
I wanted to make sure the word was out. Yes, I am divorced now. Of course, the divorce process was pretty expensive and wasn't the most fun I've ever had so I need to set some guidelines if you want to date me. I believe that putting these guidelines out there now will avoid a repeat of communication issues in the future.
My Guidelines
Guideline #1 - I find cleaning sexy. That means you have to clean to be sexy.
Guideline #2 - I prefer chicks who don't already have boyfriends and/or husbands.
Guideline #3 - If you own any "Bitch" t-shirts or license plates you need not apply.
Guideline #4 - If you are a "Bitch" even without the t-shirt or license plate please do not apply
Guideline #5 - You must find it sexy when I play guitar even if I only know 3 chords.
Guideline #6 - Woman with any virtual or real pirate names should not contact me.
Guideline #7 - If you have my ex-wife's first name you should be willing to legally change it.
Guideline #8 - You should find me cute both before and after the consumption of alcohol.
Guideline #9 - As long as I find you cute after the consumption of alcohol you're golden.
Guideline #10 - If you don't meet any of the above 9 guidelines and it has been at least 30 days since my last date I am willing to compromise.
Sincerely,
The Bachelor (Not to be confused with the one from the television show)
Um, I thought we were friends? Don't you remember how we use to drink vodka on the way to the International Space Station. Hopefully, the general public never finds out that's just a really high-class bar and dance club for the upper class and politicians. Oh, the laughs we would have up there. Remember our saying, "What happens in the ISS stays in the ISS!". Of course, do you remember that one guy who tried to take a leak out of the window when Cheney broke the bathroom? Yikes, there's one male enhancement technique I don't think I would want to try. Talk about an instant sex change operation.
Also, what about all of the military exercises we use to do together. We'd sit and laugh about movies from the 80's which would betray us as enemies. Now look at us. Wouldn't Ronald Reagan be proud? Unfortunately, I'm fearful that may be a thing of the past.
You invaded our friends in Georgia and I have a little bit of a problem with that. Georgia is a sovereign land which you have no business intruding upon. Look, I know it was the birthplace of former president Jimmy Carter and that the state should suffer for that, but can't we find another way? I also am not a big fan of peanuts, but I'm sure there are other people in Georgia who don't like them as well.
That being said, can you please pull out of Georgia? It looks kind of bad to have the Russian military within the borders of the United States. Do this for me and I'll pay for the next trip to the ISS. You should see the new beer bong we brought up on the last shuttle trip.
Your friend,
President George W. Bush
Congratulations! I saw you on "Cops" the other night. You looked great! It must have taking you all morning to get your hair to look just like that under your Miller High Life Hat with the built-in bottle opener in the rim. Also, I'm glad you still practice the fashion sense to know that you do not, under any circumstance, wear a t-shirt after the 4th of July, especially if you know the cops are coming over.
Based on what I saw I am on your side. I can't believe your ex-wife let you go. You're simply doing her a favor by giving her another chance to snatch you up again. Oh sure, she has the restraining order out on you, but though her legal papers say no her eyes surely say yes. Look, if she was not trying to impress you then why would she be wearing that nice, new air sprayed shirt she got at the fair last weekend. Who would have ever though that a sunset could look so beautiful on a shirt?
Well, I hope you're recovering well after the little altercation with the cops. I never knew a night stick could go so far up a man that way with his pants still on. At least you saw the dentist before your situation with local law enforcement developed. When your footage on "Cops" ran it was clear to me that your two good teeth looked as white as the paint job on the Chevy Malibu that you still have on blocks outside your trailer.
You my friend are the poster child for success!
Sincerely,
Your Ex-Wife's Neighbors
I came across the news story in which it states you decided to put a tub up in a tree. I guess at first you were thinking that it could be used as a bird bath, but you then got the idea to get into it yourself. Now I know this may sound like a crazy idea to some people, but I've decided to come up with the top ten reasons I believe someone would put a tub in a tree.
10. Big Bird from Sesame Street kept coming around and pushing out all of the smaller birds in the bird bath.
9. Somebody triple-dogged-dared you and you don't turn down a triple-dog-dare.
8. It's just something you have to do after you scream at a party, "Hey you all, watch this!"
7. You just couldn't get the kids out of the bathroom so you decided to improvise.
6. The water bill can only go up so many times before you have to take drastic measures to reduce costs.
5. You got sick of the neighbor trying to peek through the bathroom window while taking a bath so you decided to give them a better view.
4. You thought your wife said, "Put a new bath in a tree" when she actually said "Put in a new bath for me".
3. Taking a bath under the moon and then giving your neighbors a full moon of your own when you got out was just too poetic to pass up.
2. The neighborhood association denied your request for an outdoor hot tub, but a loop hole in the association bylaws allows for bird baths.
1. Chicks dig a man taking a bath in a tree. At least that's what your drunk friends said at the party last night.
Sincerely,
The Local Audubon Society
Um, I don't know really what to say so I'll keep this short. What in the heck were you thinking by allowing yourself to appear in a sex tape? First of all, you weren't even paid for it. Second, it had an amateur look to it because clearly the lighting was all wrong.
I hope you're happy now. There is no doubt that you will be written out of any possible Austin Powers sequels in the future. Of course, I suppose the movie studio could spin off the Mini Me character into his own series of movies. May I submit an idea for the title of one? How does "Mini Me Getting Shagged" sound? You could actually incorporate some of the video from the sex tape into the movie. Call my agent, I'd be happy to write the screenplay.
Sincerely,
A very, very disturbed Austin Powers fan
You're like a freaking Jehovah Witness. No matter how many times I tell you that I am not interested you keep coming around. Sometimes I swear you're stalking me. Luckily, I don't think it's in the strange "peek in your window at night" way. Your presence is more like a surprise appearance when you are over at someone's house and forget to lock the bathroom door.
Well, Change my friend. You definitely caught me with my pants down again. What is it with you? Just when I start to get comfortable with things you throw a new curveball at me. Sometimes you make me feel like a mouse in a maze except you keep moving the freaking cheese.
Well, Change let me tell you something. You better have plenty of cheese laying around because I am going to not only track down the cheese, I am going to find, attack and kill the cow it came from. Ok, maybe that last part was a little harsh, but at the very least I will be tipping the cow over in the middle of night.
I guess I need to start getting use to you being around. You're kind of like that geeky friend that hung out with everybody in high school. Everybody tried to ignore him, but sure enough he'd always be somewhere you wouldn't want him and the next thing you know he's calling the cops to break up the party he wasn't invited to.
Sincerely,
The guy you walked in on while using the bathroom last Sunday
Thank you for the products you offer. You have the uncanny ability to convey a thought simply through well crafted words and the use of a beautiful graphic. That being said, I would like to share my ideas for new signs you can offer.
B
eauty
It's seen in the eye's of the beholder, but more so by really ugly people.
Challenges
A fence is harder to step over then people. Avoid fences.
Priorities
A hundred years from now I will be dead. To heck with what the kids think about me.
Attitude
You can always attract more bees with honey. Once attracted use smoke to disorient them and take what you need from them without a fight.
Happiness
Sometimes the best way to feel better about yourself is to lower others.
Expectations
Life is like the high jump. Lower the bar to lower the amount of effort required to overcome.
Sincerely,
Chucky Longhorn
Of course, I could quit watching television at anytime. Why is it that it has to be this week? Clearly, you aren’t aware that Battlestar Galactica is back on the Sci-Fi channel again.
I think I figured out your game plan. Clearly your organization must be funded by TiVo because only someone who has TiVo would even think about skipping all their favorite shows for a whole week. Though the ratings might show some people turning off their sets, I bet the following week there will be a huge jump in the amount of people using their TiVo devices.
Look, one day without television is more than enough. Keep in mind a television has feelings too. When you turn off your TV listen closely. You’ll swear you’ll be able to hear someone crying inside. Not too mention, have you heard of the Teletubbies? They are creatures with televisions built into their bellies. Are you saying we should kill all of the Teletubbies? Surely not.Executives of ABC, CBS, NBC and Fox
Read more...I'm sorry a lot of people don't like you. It's hard enough to be the new kid on the block. I can only imagine what it's like to be a new kid that's hated by a lot of people. I think your experience has to be similar to what Paris Hilton would have experienced if she was forced to go to a public school. Paris would have been pretty to look at, but nobody would have liked the helicopter pad required for her to attend every morning. This is much like the hardware specs required in order for you to run let alone run smoothly.
You're kind of like the second child in a family with Windows XP being the first child. Just like a first child everybody keeps singing the praises of Windows XP and in photo albums he's typically the one with the most pictures. You seem to be measured against the first born rather than on your own. That must be very frustrating.
Now I hear your parents at Microsoft are already talking about having another kid (the next version of Windows). It kind of makes you think your parents just figured there was no hope for you and they simply decided it would be easier to have another child. I think this leaves you very few options in response.
I think it's time you run away from home and hang out with that hippy kid Linux that your parents don't ever want you to play with. If I was you, I'd also continue to rebel against your parents when they try to attach Service Packs to you. You did a pretty good job of this with Service Pack 1 since it screwed up some people's computers. Maybe if you continue to rebel you'll finally get noticed.
My hope for you is that you don't end up like that Mac kid. He turned out okay, but he finds it awfully hard to make friends compared to the children in the Windows family.
Well, no matter what just know I will be here for you and if you need to talk or to get bailed out of jail just let me know.
Sincerely,
Dr. Phil
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